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AAMFT Consumer Update
Online Infidelity
 Over
half of all U.S. households have Internet access, making the 40 million
sexually explicit Web sites, chat rooms, bulletin boards and interactive
games completely available to anyone who cares to partake. An estimated 20
to 33 percent of Internet users go online for sexual purposes; most are
male, about 35 years old, married with children, and well educated. As
many as 17 percent of users become addicted to online sexual activity. In
the coming years, as the number of households with Internet access grows,
it can be expected that more and more couples will suffer a variety of
problems related to online infidelity.
Sexual behavior over the Internet can easily threaten relationships
because it is extremely accessible, affordable, and the ability to hide
one’s identity helps people feel they can escape being caught. Online
sexual behavior is proving to be highly addictive to some users and
serious relationship problems are reported in almost all marriages in
which one partner is cybersex addicted. Even if the user does not become
addicted, problems can still exist between partners.
How Does Online Sexual Behavior Start?
Online chatting or e-mailing can begin simply as a distraction from
boredom or emotional distress. Behaviors that were once off limits in a
face-to-face situation with strangers are suddenly available through the
Internet. Individuals seeking to connect with a potential partner via the
Internet can present themselves in any way they choose, and can omit
information they don’t want others to know. What started innocently can
easily advance to a real life emotional and/or physical extramarital
affair. However, even if the behavior never advances to meeting in person,
many partners view cybersex chatting and/or pornography viewing as a form
of infidelity, a threat to the marriage, and as emotionally distressing as
a “live” affair.
What are the Signs?
Problems that arise include loss of trust, a decrease in self-esteem, and
a sense of isolation. Some users begin to have difficulty becoming aroused
by their partners, avoid sex, and experience emotional distress in their
relationships. In fact, 52 percent of cybersex users lose interest in
relational sex. Or, to the other extreme, the user may request or demand
sexual behaviors that the partner finds offensive. The partner may notice
a significant change in sleep patterns, the demand for privacy, and the
user may make excuses for spending time alone.
To be in a secure love relationship is to be desired and thought of as
special. It is our main source of security, emotional safety, and comfort.
Infidelity of any kind disrupts this special bond and one or both partners
no longer have the sense of being connected in a secure, safe haven. In
the case of Internet infidelity, when a partner suspects the user is
engaging in cybersex behaviors, he or she may become overly sensitive to
the partners activities and whereabouts, searching for evidence of
wrongdoing.
One or both partners may obsessively think about the other’s behavior,
have problems sleeping, have difficulty focusing at work, and dealing with
other tasks requiring attention to detail such as driving.
Likely Reactions to Confrontation
After a confrontation, both partners may agree there has been a betrayal
and the goals are to move beyond it, recover, resolve what led to the
betrayal, and repair the relationship. Other times, the partner
experiences the situation as a betrayal, but the user is hesitant about
giving up the Internet behavior because he or she believes no real harm
has been done; then the couple is stuck. In some cases, the situation is
worsened if the user has lost a job, been arrested, or has a health
concern (such as worry over sexually transmitted diseases after a physical
affair).
Some times after confrontation, the user is fearful of losing the
relationship with the partner (and children, pets, finances) and at the
same time also fearful of loss of the online behavior. He or she usually
only discloses what he or she thinks the partner has already discovered,
or is likely to discover, or be told by an outside party. Sometimes the
user will even say that he or she reached a sexual Web site by accident or
that it happened while looking for or chatting about something else. He or
she wants to avoid having to admit any wrongdoing at all costs. Users in
this mindset are reluctant to change or seek help.
Some users try to blame the partner for not engaging in sexual behaviors
requested, which “forced” him or her to seek satisfaction by viewing
pornography or chatting with someone online. Partners feel betrayed
because the user has been sharing information that has been thought to be
private within the relationship, especially if the dialogue contains
emotional intensity or sexually suggestive flirtations, or if the user has
arranged to meet with the other person face-to-face.
Seeking Help
Reluctance to change must first be resolved. Any hesitation should be
replaced by a desire to make a plan and take action to improve the
relationship. In some cases, the betrayed partner may be so disgusted or
angry by what the user has done, that a period of separation may be useful
to cool down or reduce feelings of shame. A trained mental health
professional can assess your particular situation and recommend the best
course of action and treatment.
A
therapist will likely want to determine if the user is addicted. If so,
the therapist will offer support and assistance in the development of a
plan, which might include restrictions on further computer use,
accountability measures, and finding a 12-step or support group meeting.
Some tips for changing behavior include:
£
Use
pictures of spouse, family or other important people as a screen saver so
the user can see what is important to him or her each time the computer is
accessed.
£
Move the
computer to an open area in the home.
£
Do not
use the Internet alone; go online only when family members or supportive
friends are present.
£
Use the
computer only for specific, planned tasks that have been reviewed with
someone who will hold you accountable.
£
Have
periods of time when no online behavior happens.
£
Control
Internet access with filtering or blocking software, or use an Internet
Service Provider that already filters Internet content. You can also use
monitoring software that e-mails reports of visited sites to a chosen
person.
With help, the couple moves toward re-establishing trust and their sexual
relationship. In the end, the couple will have strengthened their ability
to repair problems, look for the good in each other, and find ways to
successfully discuss and resolve long-standing issues.
Online Resources
Recovering Couples Anonymous
www.recovering-couples.org
(12-step recovery groups for couples in which one partner is a sex addict)
Sex Addicts Anonymous
www.sexaa.org
(12-step groups for sex addicts)
Books
In the Shadow of the
Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior,
by P. Carnes, D. L. Delmonico, E. Griffin and J. M. Moriarity, 2001.
Hazelden.
Disclosing Secrets,
by M. D. Corley and J. P. Schneider, 2002. Gentle Path Press.
Cybersex Exposed:
Simple Fantasy or Obsession?
By J. P. Schneider and R. Weiss, 2001. Hazelden.
The text of this
brochure written by M. Deborah Corley, PhD.
©2006
by the AAMFT.
Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
the AAMFT.
Visit the AAMFT
TherapistLocator.net, a public service of the
AAMFT. There you will find information about a range of problems facing
today's families, and you can search for a qualified family therapist in
your area.
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