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AAMFT Consumer Update
Adoption
Forty years ago, most people thought of adoptive parents as
couples who could not become pregnant, and who adopted an infant to raise
as "their own." Today,
some adoptive families are formed in this way and for this reason, but
there are many new ways in which adoption brings families together.
Adoption today may include infants born in the United States
or abroad, or it may involve children joining their new families at any
age before 18. Children may be of the same race as the family they join,
or they may not. They may be placed individually or as part of a sibling
group. Domestic adoption includes adoption through private adoption
agencies, or independently with the assistance of an attorney or other
intermediary, and adoption through public agencies. The latter involves
children who are adopted from the foster care system, often by relatives,
known as kinship adoption. In international adoption, children are placed
from countries in Eastern Europe such as Russia, and from South American
countries such as Guatemala and Peru. Many children are also adopted from
Asia, where China and Korea are the leading countries sending children to
the United States.
Adoption occurs for many reasons, such as the wish to expand
families or to provide a home for children in need. Kinship adoption may
include grandparents adopting the children of their children. More single
people of both genders are adopting today than ever before, as are gay and
lesbian couples. Increasing numbers of adoptive parents have opened their
hearts and homes to children of races or cultures different than their own
(known as transracial and transcultural adoption).
The
Decision to Adopt
Making the important decision to adopt may be one of the most
challenging and difficult decisions a person or couple can make. If it is
the result of infertility, it may mean giving up the dream of having a
child by birth. This can be experienced as a very tragic loss. It is not
unusual for any person grappling with this decision to experience a great
deal of anxiety and fear, in addition to sadness. They may wonder,
"Which type of adoption should I choose? What type of child? Which
agency can I trust? Will the child be healthy? Will my extended family
accept this?" The process of adoption itself can feel overwhelming,
especially in terms of the paperwork involved and the home study that is
required prior to approval for adoption. The stress on a marriage can be
great, especially if one partner is ready to proceed with adoption before
the other.
People who adopt from the foster care system have special
concerns as well. Because many children in foster care have special needs,
prospective parents are aware of the importance of financial support to
provide medical, emotional, or academic support for the children. They may
worry that services provided during foster care will end once the child is
legally adopted. Kinship adopters particularly have concerns about how to
handle future contact and relationships with the child's birth parents.
Whatever the circumstance, family therapists who understand
the questions and concerns of prospective adoptive parents can provide the
education, support, and counseling to help them through the
decision-making process.
Adoptive
Parenting and Children
Adoptive parenting is the same as, and different from,
parenting children by birth. It is the same in that parents love their
children and want what's best for them, and worry about their child's
health and well being in the same way that biological parents do. It is
different because adopted children face unique challenges and feelings
related to being part of an adoptive family. These challenges include
feeling different from children who were not adopted, feelings about why
they were placed for adoption, feelings about birth parents, as well as
concerns about handling questions by peers and adults about their
adoption. Adoptive parents need to know how they can help their children
to successfully handle those challenges.
When children are having trouble with feelings related to
adoption, their behavior often reflects it. Communication about the impact
of adoption, within families and also with others, is not easy to
initiate. The emotions can become quite strong and result in new
behaviors:
·
Withdrawal from others;
·
Daydreaming in school, changes in school performance (falling
grades, not completing homework assignments);
·
Angry outbursts, temper tantrums, or aggressive behavior with
siblings, peers, or adults;
·
Anxiety, fearful behavior, or difficulty being apart from
parents;
·
Changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
These behaviors can certainly wreak havoc on family
relationships and result in worry and conflict. The behaviors do not
necessarily mean that the child is experiencing difficulty related to
adoption, but only a therapist who understands post-adoption challenges
can help decipher the problem.
It is important to note that post-adoption issues can also
surface during adolescence, a life stage that can often be a challenging
time for any family. Teens are trying to figure out their identities: who
they are. As teens struggle to formulate their identity and figure out who
they are, having two sets of parents can complicate this task because
adopted teens must determine how they are like and different from both
their adoptive and birth parents, whom they may have little or no
information about. Adopted teens often have more anxiety about emotionally
separating from parents, as well as leaving home.
The Important Role of Family
Therapists
Family therapists can help the adoptive family to understand
what impact, if any, adoption may be having, and they can help the parents
to learn how they can help their child. Adopted children are sometimes
reluctant to discuss adoption with their parents for fear of hurting them.
If for example, they are wondering about their birth parents, such
thoughts may make them feel disloyal when in fact they love their family
very much. A family therapist can provide the support a child needs to
open communication with his family. The therapist can also help parents
identify other steps to assist their child. For example, both parents and
children may need to learn effective ways to handle the many comments and
questions they receive from others about adoption.
When school difficulties are involved, the family therapist
can assist the family in correctly assessing what the child needs. In
addition to emotional difficulties related to adoption, children may be
experiencing learning challenges or other difficulties like Attention
Deficit Disorder. The therapist can assist the parents in advocating for
whatever additional services might be required of the school, such as
educational testing and changes in school placement.
An area where family therapists can be particularly helpful
to adoptive families is the array of new challenges arising from increased
contact between birth and adoptive families. As families work through
these relationships, and the way they may change over time, a trained
professional can help to ensure positive communication and comfortable
boundaries, which benefit the child and strengthen family relationships.
There are times when adoptive parents question whether they
are adequately meeting their adopted child's needs. Whether it's
anxiety related to talking with their child about adoption, discomfort
related to some aspect of their child's personality or functioning, or
issues related to relationships with extended family members, family
therapists can provide parents with assistance in working out their
concerns and strengthening family ties.
Consumer
Resources
The
National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
Phone: 703-352-3488 or 888-251-0075
www.calib.com/naic
A
national library and resource for research, data, and information for
professionals and all members of the adoption circle.
North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC)
970 Raymond Avenue, Suite 106
St. Paul, MN 55114
Phone: 651-644-3036
Fax: 651-644-9848
www.nacac.org
Founded in 1974 by adoptive parents, the NACAC is committed
to meeting the needs of waiting children and the families who adopt them.
The text for this brochure was written by Debbie Riley,
M.S. and Ellen Singer, M.S.W.
©2003
by the AAMFT.
Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
the AAMFT.
Visit the AAMFT
TherapistLocator.net, a public service of the
AAMFT. There you will find information about a range of problems facing
today's families, and you can search for a qualified family therapist in
your area.
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